Safety for Children & Teens

Self-Esteem in Children

Self esteem means to have positive feelings about oneself, self-respect, and confidence in ones abilities. Undoubtedly, self-esteem is a very important aspect of a child’s development. Parents and adults who are important to a child play a vital role in the growth of a healthy sense of self-esteem.

With children, self esteem is based largely on how much they expect to be valued and accepted by the adults and peers who are important to them, and how they are judged by these people. When they feel that those people who are important to them, care, respect, and protect them, they have high sense self esteem. If, however, they feel unaccepted or insignificant to those people, they will have low self-esteem. Self-esteem in children is, therefore, based on what the family, community, or cultural group that the child lives in value. These values will vary depending on the family, community, or ethnic group. The degree to which a child believes they have the values that are important, will reflect on their development of self-esteem. For example, in a school that values athletics, a child who is not good at sports will have a much lower self-esteem than a child who excels in this area.

Self-esteem begins to develop even in infants, when they develop attachments with the adults that care for them. Their feelings of self-worth grow when adults respond to their cries and other expressions, and they feel wanted, valued and loved. Belonging and being valuable to a group (i.e. Family, school...) is also an important to the self-esteem of a child. A child is expected to adopt the rules of the family and community as they become old enough to understand this, rather than acting on their impulses. The transition to these rules can help them to develop a sense of belonging, and thus self esteem. Some helpful tips are listed below:

Excessive praise or flattery will not generally improve a child’s self esteem. Many children can see through flattery, and this will raise doubts in them. A far more effective method to nurture a child’s self esteem is to respond to a child’s efforts with appreciation and interest rather than flattery. For example, when a child shows interest in something, you could help them find more information about it. If you simply praise the child’s efforts, they may develop the habit of showing interest in things simply to get praise from you. For young children, taking part in tasks and activities around the house that are a challenge to them, rather than being frivolous will be more beneficial, because they will give them a sense of accomplishment, and being important to the welfare of the family.
As a child enters the schooling system, the opinions of their peers become more and more significant to their self-esteem. Help your child develop healthy relationships with their peers. As they develop stronger ties with them, they may begin to change how they evaluate themselves. You can help your child by being consistent and clear about your own values. It is important to always communicate with your child, and discuss both the positive and negative things that happen to them during the day. There will be times when a child doesn’t feel good about himself, or even if they feel accepted and confident at home, that may not be the case in school. The best help you can give them in these situations is to reassure them that you support and accept them even if others do not. A stable family life, with shared activities, such as meals, will also reassure and provide them with the sense that even if things in school do not go as they expected, they can rely and depend on their family to support them.
Help your child cope with defeats rather than emphasizing successes, by reassuring them that you still love and support them. Once the crisis has passed help them to find out what went wrong, and how they can avoid similar situations in the future. This will help your child in future crises as well, since they will learn how to overcome them, rather than be defeated by them. The key is to communicate with, and support your child. Communication means that you have to listen to what they have to say, and take their opinions and views seriously, and give them meaningful feedback. Respect your child.

911

Show your child how to dial 911. Most cities send the police whether or not a request is made, so let your child know this is for emergencies only and not a game.

Teach your children what the 911 emergency system is and how they should use it in an emergency. Points to review with children are:

Tell the operator what the emergency is.
Give your full address, phone number and name.
Emergency medical, fire or police personnel are being sent to you even though you are still talking to the operator.
Stay on the line with the 911 operator until they tell you to hang up.
The 911 service is for emergencies. It is important to teach your child not to play with or misuse 911.

Bullying

Recently, bullying has received a great deal of attention from the media due to tragic events that have occurred at some schools. Bullying is an early form of aggressive and violent behaviour that often gets carried on in the adult life of the bully.

One of the most significant results of bullying is a loss of self-esteem, which arises from a feeling of rejection and isolation. Fears and anxieties about bullies can cause some children to avoid school, get poor grades, carry a weapon for protection, or even become violent. Bullying causes a great deal of misery to the victim, and its effects can last for decades.

Anyone can be the target of bullying, however, the victim is often singled out because of their psychological rather than physical traits. A typical victim is likely to be shy, sensitive, and insecure. Some children are picked on for physical reasons such as being overweight or small, having a disability, or because of their race or religious faith. Children that are bullied from an early age are more likely to be bullied later on as well.

Bullies

Some bullies are outgoing and aggressive, and get their way by brute force or openly harassing someone. This type of bully rejects rules and regulations and needs to rebel to achieve a feeling of superiority and security. Another type of bully is more reserved and manipulative and may not want to be recognized as a bully. They try to control a person by smooth-talking, saying the "right" thing at the "right" time, and lying. This type of bully gets his or her power through cunning, manipulation, and deception.

As different as these two types may seem, all bullies have some characteristics in common:

They are concerned with their own pleasure.
They want power over others, and are willing to use and abuse other people to get what they want.
They are untroubled by anxiety. They see themselves quite positively, and are unaware that they are unpopular with others, probably because they cannot relate to other children.

Bullies up to age seven pick on anyone, but after that age, they start to single out certain children to prey on. Over time, bullies get locked into patterns of aggression that are rewarding only in the short term. As they go through high school, their behaviour isolates them from most of the students and they will only socialize with those like themselves, who find bullying acceptable. Most bullies have a course through life that goes in a downward spiral, their behaviour interfering with learning, friendships, work, intimate relationships, income, and mental health. Bullies turn into anti-social adults, and are far more likely than non-aggressive kids to commit crimes, batter their wives, abuse their children, and produce another generation of bullies.

Girls are just as capable of bullying as boys are, though they have a less physical and more subtle approach. Since women and girls value intimacy and relationships, bullying amongst girls often takes the form of damaging or manipulating relationships in aversive ways:

Spreading vicious rumours in the peer group so that others will reject that person.
Telling others to stop liking someone in order to get even.
Trying to control or dominate a person by using social exclusion as a form of retaliation, or threatening to withdraw friendship in order to get one's way, control another's behaviour, or hurt someone. This can take the form of giving someone the silent treatment and making sure they know they're being excluded as a form of retaliation.

What Can We Do to Stop Bullying?

Some suggestions of what a parent can do:

Help your child gain a healthy feeling of self esteem – this is the best form of prevention.
Teach them how to resolve arguments without violent words or actions – such as using humour to diffuse a situation, but never to fight back. Teach them how to walk confidently and how to stand up for themselves verbally – being assertive and telling the bully to "go away" can be the best defence for girls. However, in most situations, avoidance is the best approach – sometimes best to walk away from a confrontation. Help your child learn the social skills to make friends. By being confident, resourceful, and having friends, your child is much less likely to be bullied.
Talk to your child about bullying, and give them the opportunity to talk about it with you.
Watch for symptoms that your child may be a bullying victim. Some of these signs may include a withdrawal from family and friends, a drop in grades, torn clothes and unexplained bruises, not wanting to go to school, needing extra money or supplies, taking toys or other possessions to school and regularly "losing" them.
Take your child's complaints of bullying seriously, since they are often afraid or ashamed to tell anyone that they have been bullied. Encourage your child to talk about school. Listen to his or her conversations with other children. This could be your first clue to whether your child is a victim, a bully, or neither.
If you think that your child is being bullied, let the school know, and discuss options with your child’s teachers and caregivers. If no other solutions can be found, transferring your child to another school can give your child a fresh start.
Don't be a bully yourself, either physically or verbally. When dealing with children, use consistently applied non-hostile, non-threatening, non-physical sanctions for rule breaking and don’t ridicule, yell at, or ignore your children when they misbehave.
Let your child know what you value – kindness and compassion for others – and praise your child when they show these values. Model good relationships at home – that’s how children learn. Resolve arguments among siblings so they can learn from such situations.
Don’t let your children watch too much TV since much of the programming reinforces the idea that aggression is the only way to solve problems. Instead, increase the social opportunities for your children by inviting other children over and encourage sleepovers – this will help all children build relationships.
Ensure that groups of children have lot of things to do by suggesting games or providing toys – bullying flourishes when children have nothing else to do. If bullying does occur, always intervene. It is the role of the adult to train the children how to socialize, and not solve problems through aggression. By being clear and consistent in your interventions, children will learn that bullying is not OK.
If your child is a bully, help get to the root of the problem. It is important to recognize that bullies may be acting out feelings of insecurity, anger, or loneliness. Talk to a teacher, school counsellor or child psychologist to find appropriate strategies you can use at home to help your child.

Gangs

Effective parental influence is a key to gang prevention. It is important for parents to trust their own instincts. If you feel something is wrong with your child, it probably is, this instinct can be an early warning signal to work on prevention.

Parents not only influence their own children’s choice to join a gang, they can also be agents of prevention in the neighbourhood. Parents can successfully change attitudes in the community by working together as a team. Most important, they can create a community-wide attitude that rejects gang-related behaviour.

Many parents have developed effective ways to keep their family unit strong and help their children resist the allure of gang membership. The following steps can help prevent gang involvement:

Talk with your children about alcohol, drugs and gangs – they may have picked up wrong ideas from peers or the media.
Teach children the difference between right and wrong and to have respect for themselves and others. This needs to be started at an early age – since parents’ actions and attitudes shape those of their children, it is important that you be a good role model and set a positive example.
Become (or remain) involved with your children in healthy, creative activities, such as hobbies, school and community events.
Make sure children go to school and keep up with their homework, and support schools in firm, clear and consistent disciplinary policies. Your children should not be regularly left alone after school hours, even if you think they are old enough. Children who are bored or lack supervision have a greater tendency to become involved in gangs, or other bad activities. Have a tolerance for mistakes or failure, and be supportive. Use positive re-enforcement, rather than punishment when possible.
Make sure you know where your children are, what they are doing, and who their friends are. It is a good idea to set and enforce a reasonable curfew, and have a structured family life, including eating meals together.
Communicating regularly with parents of your children’s friends, and their parents can help you reinforce positive behaviour and avoid being manipulated with statements like, "All my friends’ parents let them do it." Self esteem is an important part of a child’s development (see section on "Self Esteem").
Children are more likely to communicate if they receive positive verbal and non-verbal cues from their parents, so it is important to really listen to what they have to say and what their concerns are. Good communication is positive, and gives your child the confidence to talk to you about anything, and lets them know they are important and loved.
Give your children responsible roles within the family, not just chores.
Help your child develop strong values, and self-confidence. This will give them the strength and courage to resist peer.
Encourage your children to get involved in community building projects. When they help build up a community, they are less likely to damage or deface it. Work with your children to clean up the neighbourhood, making it inhospitable to gangs.
Set clear limits that define what is safe and acceptable and what is not. Discipline should always be consistent and fair. It is also important to practice what you preach!
Learn about gang and drug activity in your community. This includes finding out how gang members dress and speak, their behaviour and activities. Don’t allow your children to dress in gang style clothing, or to write or practice writing gang names, symbols (tags) or any other gang graffiti on their books, papers, clothes, bodies, walls or any other place.
In short, be a good example. Become an active, not passive parent.

Internet Safety

The Internet is a vast, global system that is not managed by any one company or government. The constantly growing and changing array of sites and services that you can find online can provide anything from simple information and educational tools to shopping and other financial transactions. An Internet Service Provider can give you access to the internet, but cannot control what sites you visit or the information that you may encounter. Anyone in the world who has access to the internet can create a web page on whatever topic they like. This means that it is up to the individuals who use the internet to conduct themselves in a safe and appropriate manner when going on-line.

The online world is made up of a wide array of people, most of whom are decent, but there are always individuals who are rude , insulting, or even exploitative. For this reason it is important to instruct children about both the benefits and dangers of the Internet. A child should also be taught the proper way to behave while online, which means not be rude, mean, or inconsiderate.

Some Risks to Children

A child may be exposed to material that is sexual, violent, or hateful in nature, or encourages activities that are dangerous or illegal.
While online, a child may provide information that could put the child or their family at risk. In some cases, paedophiles have used e-mail or other internet services to gain a child's confidence, and arrange a face-to-face meeting.
A child may encounter e-mail or other messages that are harassing, demeaning, or belligerent in nature.
A child could do something that has negative legal or financial consequences, such as giving out a parent’s credit card number or doing something that violates another person’s rights.
There are sites that allow gambling with real money or just for fun. Most online gambling sites do require a credit card number.
Some websites and newsgroups contain information on various drugs, and also sell them.

How Parents Can Minimize the Risks

Set reasonable rules and guidelines for your children when they use the computer. Discuss these rules so that they are clearly understood, and post them near the computer as a reminder. Remember to monitor and enforce their compliance with these rules, especially when it comes to the amount of time your children spend on the computer. Make the computer a family activity, and keep it in a place where you can keep an eye on what is happening, such as in a family room, rather than your child’s bedroom. Get to know their "online friends" just as you get to know all of their other friends.
Remember that anything that is posted in a chat room or on a bulletin board is there for everyone to see. Never give out identifying information—home address, school name, telephone number, or picture—in these venues, and make this very clear to your children. Consider using a pseudonym for chartrooms and bulletin boards – most people do this to protect their privacy. If you want to give out personal information via e-mail, make sure it is someone you can trust.
If you do not already know how to use the computer and the Internet, you should take a course to become familiar with it. Many courses are offered specifically for parents, so they can learn how to monitor what their children are doing on the Internet.
Never allow your child to arrange a face-to-face meeting with another computer user without parental permission. If a meeting is arranged, make the first one in a public spot, and be sure to accompany your child.
Never respond to messages or bulletin board items that are suggestive, obscene, belligerent, threatening, or make you feel uncomfortable – simply ignore them and move on. Encourage your children to tell you if they encounter such messages. If you or your child receives a message that is harassing, of a sexual nature, or threatening, forward a copy of the message to your service provider and ask for their assistance.
Remember that people online may not be who they seem – you cannot see or hear them, so "12-year-old boy" could in reality be a 40-year-old man. Remember also that not everything you read online may be true, whether it’s an offer that’s "too good to be true", or information on a topic of interest.

Strangers and Safety

Infants and Very Small children

Never leave your child alone, especially in a car.
Always watch your child while in a public area.
Be aware of the people around you, and if anyone is paying extra attention to your child.

Young Children

Teach your children that a stranger is anyone they don’t know, and that even someone who is friendly is a stranger. If a stranger touches them or tries to take them somewhere against their will, they should scream, kick, and yell.
Discuss safety regularly with your children, so they are comfortable with these issues, and know what to do. You want to educate, not scare them.
It is important to talk to your children without scaring them, or live in fear of people and society. Remember that most people are good.
Teach your child who is a stranger, and what personal space is. They should learn that what they can do with friends and relatives they cannot do with strangers:
- Hug a friend / relative but don’t hug a stranger.
- Eat food from a friend / relative but don’t accept food from a stranger without permission.
- Hold hands with friend/relative but don’t hold hands with a stranger.
Make sure your child knows never to enter the house or car of a stranger, and that when they are at home, never to let a stranger into the house.
Get to know the parents of your child’s friends. Keep up to date on this as your child grows and makes new friends.
Do not write your child’s name on the outside of clothing or bags. This would allow a stranger to know your child’s name.
Have a secret word (be creative and find something unusual) that only family members know. It is used if you need to have another person pick up your child so that your child can verify that the person is safe. They should not be afraid to ask for the word from the person picking them up.
Teach your child how and when to dial 911 and how to make collect calls. Your child should also know his or her home address, phone number, and cellular number.
Listen to what your children say. If they do not want to be with someone, or do not like their babysitter, find out why.
Teach your child that if they get lost in a mall or other public place, they should go directly to a cashier or to find a clerk. If none are around, they should find a woman with children and ask her for help.
Make sure your child knows his/her complete name, address and telephone number with area code, as well as your full name (and cellular/pager number) so that you can be contacted if they get lost. Also teach your child not to give out personal information like their home phone number and address to a stranger without permission.
If your child finds themselves in a dangerous situation tell them they should yell for help("this is not my mom / dad") and run to a store or house of someone they trust. Make sure your child knows never to run into a lonely, dark, or uninhabited area.

Pre-Teens

Teach them to never walk or bike alone, day or night – use a buddy system. If they need to use a public restroom, never let them go in alone.
Use the "after dark rule" – when the sun goes down, they come inside.
If they are approached by a stranger, on foot or in a car, they should keep their distance, and run away if necessary. Teach your child which houses in your neighbourhood are safe, and where they can go in case of an emergency.
Teach them to be aware of their surroundings, and if they notice someone following them, they should cross the street, and head for a crowded area, or a house that they know is safe.

Teenagers

Always tell them, or a family member where you will be, and how you can be reached.
Teach them to avoid alleys, poorly lit and lonely or deserted streets.
Know with whom your child keeps company and what they are up to.